“You are a writer.  You just need to write.”

I love this new format.  I click on the icon on the desktop, it opens to the homepage, and in the top corner is a button commanding me Write.  Being the obedient type, I write.

What will it become?  Doesn’t matter today.  Today I Write.

No checking of anything else.  I Write.

I love this article I read last week.  It felt like confirmation.  And I always need that.

As I find my way back to all this I am hopeful.  I need that hope.  But even now, one wrong comment, off-hand remark, could derail my dream.  But at least I once again am dreaming.

It’s been a winding road to here.  And here, today, is again at the brink of another change, another move.  It’s the death of another dream.

And I wonder, what is the point of dreaming?  What is the point of any of it?  Why did I ever want to leave my normal, common, easy life in the suburbs?  What good did it do?

I wanted more.  Not just in the sense of space.  I wanted to become something more.

I was talking with one of the boys yesterday and I was reminded of some things.

I didn’t fit in.

To me life was more than just going to the mall on Mondays,Target on Tuesdays, Women’s Group on Wednesday and putting a four year old in soccer.  And what is the point of Bunco?  Why can’t we just hang out and talk, or make stuff together.

For the first time in my life I had time.  But I didn’t want to waste it on weekly trips to the mall.  No wonder women felt being at home with kids stultifyingly boring.  All they did was try to fill their homes and schedules with the latest trend.  And of course, the trend changes, and it’s back to the store.

We had all spent our lives in school, until we all went to work somewhere.  And then we had kids and stopped working.  And we put all that crazy energy of our high stress jobs into raising our kids.  It’s amazing they are not all neurotic.  We were going to be there for them in a way our parents weren’t for us because they were always working.

We were quite sure what that all meant.  The older women who might have been able to guide us and come along side us were all at work as well.  The other women our age were all locked inside their own houses surrounded by fences in little islands of loneliness.

I was housebound for two months when I discovered the just beginning world of blogging.

Here were other women doing things.  And sharing about it.  Learning from one another and teaching one another.

It was a world of women all around the world, available day and night right in my kitchen.  My computer has been in the kitchen almost nonstop since then.  It still is.  I love it and hate it.

It’s in the middle of everything so even if I am on it, I am aware of everything going on around the whole house.  Which is good.  And if I am on it, I am aware of everything going on around the whole house.  Which is crazy making when I am trying to collect my thoughts, compose them, and write them down.  Interruptions are non stop.  And the noise?  Not like there isn’t already enough in my head, it’s all around me.

I am trying something new even now.

I’ve got my writing hat on a la Jo March.  I’ve got my head phones on.  And I’ve got a notebook nearby that says Notes for Mom at the top with a pen.

The hat is a visual for the kids to see and stop.  The hat means Mommy is working and unless they, or a sibling, are on fire or bleeding they shouldn’t talk to me at this moment.  The head phones are to block the endless chattering of voices and that noise the Legos make when you paw through a pile of them.  The Notebook is so they can write down whatever it is they wanted to say that second.

Because, really, most of the time they just want to know what the next meal is.  (Note to self, make and use a weekly menu visible to everyone.)  Or want me to do something that they just thought of that I don’t want anyone to forget either, but doesn’t have to happen now.  Or they want to tattle.  Just being honest.

I am back to getting up earlier to have time in the quiet.  I stopped simply because in this darling little house, once one person (other than Sweetheart who is part Ninja) gets outta bed, it pretty much wakes up every other person.  No one even needs to talk.  The rolling doors, creaking floors, flushing can all be heard throughout the house.

I tried it for awhile and gave up.  It wasn’t worth the loss of sleep when all it meant was the day of work began earlier.  Cause if we’re all up, it’s time to get to work.

All those darling, “good morning mamas” broke any concentration I had-to read, pray, write, think.

With my other work duties there are times I need to be on the computer working during the days as well.  It might be during a morning break, or after making lunch, or sometime else.  The hat lets them know it’s a working time.

I am trying to do the bulk of the thinking work before they are up.  I am fresher and I don’t want to lose time with them.  What good is it to be working from home if they can’t ever talk to me and are always staring at the back of my head while I am glued to the computer?

We are on our Winter Break right now so homeschooling lessons aren’t going on in the normal sense.  When we begin again next month I’ll write in the mornings early for a couple house.  We’ll do breakfast together and start lessons.  At a morning break I’ll set a timer and do my check-ins and replies most days.  Then it will be back to lessons until lunch.  After lunch, I’ll put out fires and return calls.  They’ll work on their projects in afternoons while I continue to do whatever I need to for the other two businesses until dinner.  After they go to bed, I’ll probably work for another hour if it’s needed and head to bed myself.

This means not working during meals and being fully available.  What I need to do is clearly delineate work and life so I can better balance both.

This month is the testing month.  It’s a busy month to try to work the two other businesses and start a third, but I know what changes are looming on the horizon.  One business will almost completely shut down from January to April and the other ends forever at the end of February.

I am also planning on going back to one block of three hours completely off and alone once a week.  I need that and with planning believe it can happen.  Not everyone has that, I know.

Success occurred in the middle of this post.  Dumpling came out of the kids’ room, did what he needed  to do and went back in without speaking to me.  I am about to sign off now and they will be all spilling out soon and I want to be ready for them.


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